Press Release, Announcement of KAPR – 24-hour Morris Dancing TV Station

By our Morris media correspondent Upton O. Goode

The advent of Digital TV (sometimes disparagingly referred to as ‘300 channels and nothing on’) has broadcasters looking for new ideas to fill all this airtime. This fact, coupled with the worldwide resurgence of interest in Morris dancing, has created a golden opportunity for a 24 hour Morris dancing channel. An astute team of top TV executives has recognized this vast potential, and a new station (provisionally designated station ID KAPR) was announced to an eager and delighted press corps here today.

The station aims to cover all aspects of Morris Dancing and - in an attempt to maintain the interest of the huge but fickle US TV audience - will adopt an ESPN-style sporting channel approach, with a bewildering array of detailed statistics about each side, dancer, musician, etc., and personal/national and world record times for each side and dance. I can hear the commentary now... "and at the 2nd hey, England’s Hereburgh side are well outside their previous record, and on track for a new personal worst here...".

As in football and baseball, a plethora of statistics will be maintained for each individual dancer, including height, weight, inside leg measurement (important for those leapfrog dances), MCH (maximum caper height), SDPS (Sticks dropped per season) and ADR (average dance rate, measured in the traditional Cotswold units of furlongs per fortnight). Sides will also be rated for such things as GNR (General Noise Level, measured in deci-bells) and ALF, Average Lateness Factor.

For competitive events, there will be a scoring system similar to the one currently used in ice-skating, with marks for artistic appeal and technical merit.... (again, I can already hear the David Coleman-esque commentary.. "ooooh, a 5.4 from the Bampton judge – and the crowd don't like it..").

The station has already inked deals for exclusive coverage of key annual Morris events on both sides of the Atlantic, and with admirable foresight has gained the rights to several years of grainy historic footage from Sidmouth, which will be shown to fill in the times when the live UK summer events are rained off (as tradition dictates), or perhaps cancelled due to some new outbreak of a rampant agricultural disease. This approach has been shown to be successful over many years coverage of summer sports such as tennis and cricket in the UK.

Having researched what’s out there already, KAPR plans to incorporate the latest state of the art techniques where appropriate – for example, the '‘High-Speed action replays' which have proved so popular on the UK 'House of Lords almost live' channel.

Sceptics (and there are many) may suggest that it would be difficult to sustain a non-stop Morris TV channel, but the backers behind KAPR are adamant that they can cover the full range of typical TV station output while maintaining a Morris bias. At today’s press conference, some examples of the proposed schedule were revealed:

• Morris dancing soap:
  Provisionally titled ‘Deer Creek’, this is an everyday tale of ordinary Morris dancing folk, struggling to fulfill their practice and dance-out commitments while holding down busy jobs as teachers and computer consultants. From the practice hall to the pub, and even including some steamy post-dance bedroom scenes, all of Morris life is there.
• Music - Top of the Morris pops - KAPR’s answer to MTV and VH-1. Lots of exciting Morris-related music accompanied by the latest low-tech video technology. Samples including 'Come Flail Away' by Sticks, 'Why do Fools fall in love?' and an interesting cover version of Steely Dan's 'Hey Nineteen' arranged for pipe and tabor were previewed at the press conference to gasps of astonishment.
• Current affairs and politics The Morris world is not immune to the machinations of politics – and this will be reflected in the weekend current affairs talk show titled 'This Time' where invited representatives of the Morris Ring, the Morris Federation and Open Morris will engage in heated debate on the topics of the day. Showing it is not afraid to cover the difficult issues, the first debate will be about the contentious (and often disclaimed) topic of drug use in the Morris dancing world. This was no doubt prompted by the recent reports of a black-face side being accused of using performance-limiting marijuana, widely reported in the British tabloid press as the ‘Herb-acious Border incident’.
• Discussion programs A very clever piece of programming here by the station owners – they already have a half-hour program entitled 'Tradition vs evolution – the ongoing debate', and it seems from preliminary test audience feedback that they can just repeat this same program 5 times every day all year round. Also in this vein, a more confrontational show is planned. The station is hoping to sign up Jerry Springer to host a show which will encourage Morris dancers to air in public their REAL views about other sides, rappers, mummers, jazz music, etc. KAPR also revealed that they have a series of Morris dancing celebrity lectures planned – already signed up is Hereburgh’s Doug Freeman, who will be presenting his highly acclaimed lecture on "Morris and the Gentle Art of Fudging" (the text of which is also available on the web at http://www.psmcdonald.ukgateway.net/fudge.htm).
• Exercise and Keep Fit The keen Morris dancer won’t want to miss the aerobic step and caper routines presented every morning on KAPR in the half-hour 'Keep Fat' segment. In an attempt to echo the much-missed Green Goddess of the BBC, the ‘Green Man’ (a 250 pound Morris dancer in green leotard) will lead viewers through a series of exercises designed to maintain the correct body form for dancing. As well as the aerobics for the legs, the vital bicep muscles (used in sticking and drinking) are exercised with a tough regime of 20-ounce curls, performed with (initially) full tankards of a potent and heavy ale (such as 'Old Halitosis' from UK brewers Thoroughgood's, who happen to be the sponsors of this program).
• Comedy A bit of a coup here, the station has exclusive rights to a spin-off from the popular 'Blackadder' TV series which features Blackadder's faithful assistant in his own series called 'Baldrick on top'. Also featured was a new 'remade for Morris dancers' version of an old British comedy show, now to be entitled 'Men Behaving Sadly'.
• Reality TV Not to be left out of the hottest TV topic of the day, there is a ground-breaking new show called 'AGM Survivor' where secret live cameras are placed at Morris side AGMs to witness at first-hand the cut-throat debate, culminating in the final voting. Who will be the one to hear those dreaded words ‘the side has spoken..’?
• Quiz Programs Extensive research has shown that the Morris audiences have an interest in Quiz shows and trivia which borders on the fanatical. KAPR's 'Who wants to be a foreman?' ambitiously reverses the current trend of combining a controversial question master with tough questions and large amounts of cash as a prize by letting contestants 'escape' the show by answering a series of increasingly simple questions correctly, leaving the last person to be named foreman for the season. Also mentioned was a musical version of 'Wheel of Fortune', called 'Reel - a 4/4 tune'.
• Film Review This weekly show will take a close look at the emerging genre of Morris-related movies. The sample shown at the press conference was 'Thud and Blunder', Tom Cruise's upcoming foray into the heady world of Morris Dancing. In this movie, Tom plays a talented daredevil Morris Dancer who dances really slowly. He's very cocky but is tortured by his dead father, who incidentally was a cocky, talented, daredevil Squire. His best friend dies in a bizarre freak sticking accident, and Tom's very upset. But in the end, he overcomes the devil inside, beats his rival and gets the girl. By the way, this movie has a great soundtrack with all your favourite Morris tunes arranged by Harold Faltemeyer, using the latest synthesizer technology to create a sound uncannily like a melodeon in a pub car park. Especially interesting was the 'behind the scenes' segment, where it was revealed that Tom's stunt double for the dangerous sticking scenes was none other than Berkeley Morris's own Jonathan Coxhead.
• Children's TV As with all good children's TV, the 'Morris Minors' morning show will subtly influence the thinking of the younger Morris dancing set, so that they develop the correct neuroses in later life. Also unveiled was a cartoon show - inspired by the old 'Batman' TV series, there is a new cartoon show called 'Bagman and Bobbin' with exciting stories of the mysterious capered crusader fighting crime in Gotham village.
• Weather Obviously an important topic in the Morris world, the weather coverage on KAPR will be specifically designed to provide the avid dancer with the information required before venturing out. Special graphics such as animated hankies fluttering in the breeze will be used to show wind force and direction, and the forecasts are expected to be appropriately unreliable.
• XML – Xtreme Morris League Following the decline in popularity of the XFL football league, it was revealed that the station is already 'a long way down the track' in negotiations with the Worldwide Wrestling Federation to create a nationwide league of full-contact Morris sides. Despite intense questioning from the Morris press corps, it was not disclosed whether this would incorporate drastic rule changes or scantily-clad cheerleaders to make the dancing ‘more accessible’, as happened in XFL.
• Food and Drink Presented live from the station's galley, 'Capers with Everything' will address the dietary requirements of the active Morris dancer, with special emphasis on the liquid aspects. The pub food at popular Morris venues will be sampled, and there will be a special section each week dedicated to curry. This Indian delicacy seems to be very popular with the Morris dancing fraternity, and there are even those who insist that the word ‘Dhansak’ was originally derived from the old English ‘dance-sack’ which would be carried by a side’s bagman. Drinking is obviously a fundamental part of Morris dancing culture, and will be featured too. Bearing in mind the global reach of KAPR, the programmers are being careful to address preferences from both sides of the Atlantic. For example, while a British dancer might understand a 'cocktail' to be simply 2 (or more) different beers mixed in his tankard, the American Morris toper may expect something more based on spirits (perhaps a Bell's Whisky with appropriate mixers).
• Detective/Mystery There will soon be a new name on the lips of all TV detective fans. In the same genre as 'Poirot' and 'Cadfael', 'Dommett' is a Morris dancing amateur sleuth, who will each week unearth a new dance after following an intricate sequence of steps.
• Sponsorship, Advertising and Merchandising The executives behind KAPR have been busy signing up sponsors who will be placing ads on the station, hoping to gain a share of the elusive and discriminating (but potentially highly lucrative) target Morris dancer market segment. Confirmed deals signed so far:
  • Nike – who will market a new range of 'Air Morris' trainers (available in black or white)
  • Pantene Hair Care – will branch into male cosmetics by creating a new line called 'Shave the Donkey', including a beard shampoo (specially formulated to achieve that all-important straggly look). The shampoo will be beer-based, bringing a new meaning to the question "Why take 2 bottles into the shower?".
  • Cherry Blossom – famous for their shoe polish, claim to have found an important associated new niche market in the Border arena for face blacking
  • Mum deodorant – a special new range designed specifically for the Morris dancer, based on their original trademark product (which was of course named following field tests on sweaty mummers)
  • North Face – the outdoor clothing manufacturer showed a new range of rain-proof, hail-proof and frost-proof dancing breeches – ideal for those English summer dance-outs.

On the merchandising front, KAPR executives have been talking with Mattel Inc, and it is expected that there will be an announcement shortly regarding a range of scale figures from popular sides, resplendent in their distinctive kit and with appropriate accessories such as hankies, sticks and tankards. Figures are expected to retail at $8.99 for standard dancers, $9.99 for a squire, $5.99 for musicians and $2.99 for drummers. Mattel executives deftly side-stepped questions on the possibility of a ‘Morris Barbie’ doll.

This gave rise to several questions from the floor about the opportunity for blatant profiteering on the part of unscrupulous sides. The example of Manchester United in the English soccer league was raised, where the team brings out new kit every year, thus forcing fans to spend more money. While strenuous efforts were made to refute this, the rumour that an unnamed local side were at this very moment contemplating a strategically timed kit change could not be stamped out.

[Dateline San Francisco, May 1st 2001]